to losing weight.

Working full time as a waitress and having good sex every day.

Not kidding. I have not changed my eating habits AT ALL and I have lost 19 pounds in the past month.

I entered a race with my two best friends to lose 15 pounds in two weeks. I'm winning.

I started at 145.


CW: 137

more than halfway there and it has only been five days, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good.

And I am starting to feel comfortable walking around my boyfriend's house in my panties and bra. Most of my excess weight right now is leg and ab muscle from working 10 hours every night. I'm a server at Waffle House. And yes, I do eat greasy Waffle House food. Every day. Twice a day. Because it's free and I'm too poor for groceries. And I'm still losing weight. Lots of it.

Yay for sex!

So, I remember the days when I could see my hip bones.



Yeah.... I want that back, and better.

Of course the most amazing thinspo is pictures of myself over the summer, during a time when I still believed I was a fatass. I am a fatass, obviously, but looking at those pictures make me wonder what was going through my head because I would give anything to  be back at that point.

My weight is in a range from 148-155 right now. My scale is a shitty piece of... shit, so I am not 100% sure. EVER. Right now I want to lose like 25 pounds, which is just a bit more weight than what I have gained since moving to college.

Now that that's out of the way, I have also decided to make this journal a place for thoughts I can no longer express on my personal LJ because of the people reading. Not about my weight, but about everything.

Like Chris. One of my best friends who has absolutely no idea. About anything. Yet when I blog about this fact, I don't care if he reads it, Ashley reads it. Ashley is three or four years older than us and when she reads things like that she thinks I am just being childish and need to get over it. Well, I would LOVE to say she is wrong. I am not being a baby. I am not just "not out of my high school phase yet," as she loves to describe it. I am being serious. I worry about Chris. How is he going to make it in life the way he lives? He won't get anywhere and Ashley is censoring me to a point where there is no way to make him see what he is doing to himself, though I'm not positive he would even care if I ever did manage to get the point across. I'll probably write more later, but right now I am in desperate need of a cigarette (and math homework--ew!).

PEACE.

i'm not sure who i am apologizing to.
it could be myself, though i honestly don't feel like i deserve an apology.
it could be the disease, which wouldn't surprise me.
but it's probably all my friends from LJ.
i'm sorry to the people who looked up to me this summer when i could go days without eating, eat a sandwich, throw it up, and go another few days. when i was only 15 pounds from my goal weight.
i'm out of control.
20 pounds in 7 weeks.
let's reverse it.
help me. 

So,  two days before I left for college, I weighed 144. The day I left, I weighed 138. Now, not even a month later, I just weighed myself at a staggering, disgusting 149.
I
want
to
die.
This is so gross. I have to get that back. And more. Better.

today:
b- Marathon Energy Bar (220), 15 oz. Orange Juice (110)
will update

well, first off, i know the most interesting thing i could ever post is my CW. which happens to be 142.0 right now... 3.5 up from my LW two weeks ago... :[ but I'm working on it. major.

unfortunately, I finally got my laxatives and i can't take them tonight because tmrw i'm going on a road trip with friends and how awkward would that be???

well, the other most interesting thing would be recent pics. so here they are.

( taken 5 minutes ago )

Day	Weight	Calories Used	Your Calorie Deficit
07/27/2007	136.65	1762.15	1362.15
08/03/2007	133.94	1747.94	1347.94
08/10/2007	131.26	1733.89	1333.89
08/17/2007	128.6	1719.98	1319.98
08/24/2007	125.97	1706.22	1306.22
08/31/2007	123.37	1692.6	1292.6
09/07/2007	120.8	1679.13	1279.13
09/14/2007	118.25	1665.79	1265.79
09/21/2007	115.73	1652.59	1252.59
09/28/2007	113.24	1639.53	1239.53
10/05/2007	110.77	1626.61	1226.61
10/12/2007	108.33	1613.82	1213.82
10/19/2007	105.91	1601.17	1201.17
10/26/2007	103.52	1588.64	1188.64
11/02/2007	101.15	1576.25	1176.25

zac efron = love.


oh yeah this table is from.... er.... this website i just forgot the name of hahaha losertown or something. ANYWAY it shows what I SHOULD weigh when if i eat 400 cals a day and don't exercise at all (bc i'm being realistic lol)

LOVE YOU ALL


oh yeah
cw
=
139.0

thinspiration.

i need it.

fasting.

not weighing right now.

dont know the time limits on either of those.

141.0

well, it's only half a pound but i have been stuck at 141.5 for EIGHT DAYS so that has to count for SOMETHING right???

:)

yeah yeah i'll cut them

in the past few days, i have undergone a real, amazing spiritual awakening. i feel god in me and see him in everything my gaze falls upon. everything is so clear, the clarity that comes with the territory of discipleship.

that's how i know this is a disease. if it wasn't rotting my brain, i would realize right now that i must stop. for god. but i cannot stop and i do not want to. and i will not. not until i am so thin i just vanish entirely.

i'm starting over here with the Isabella-Emily "0000" diet. Changing the workd one fatty at a time.

The rules (they fit my personality because, well, I am the co-founder of this magnificent diet):

i WILL weigh myself every day (though that is optional)
i will allow myself up to 200 liquid cals (that number is up to the individual) --for me, coffee, maybe broth.
the most important rule is 0 solid cals.

starting at 141.5 lb.

losing my fucking time
checking the mind
doesn't make sense
drink it up
whatever it is in that cup
liquid or fire
water or fucking cyanide
its gonna kill you in the end
everything does
if you can hear the words to the song
its so much more worth it
just clean the fucking closets
you will hear the words
hear but not listen
no one knows how to listen
a quality long abandoned
too deafened by our own problems
hear a child crying
they say they are thirsty
give them a bandaid
so shallow
so fucking shallow
you are the water that laps at my ankles
stroking my bones with your chilling
coldness.
i will dive into you
maybe you will hear me then
hear me and listen
listen and understand
that i don't seek help
i seek attention
as i lap at your own feet
no fucking focus no ears
kick me in the face while i'm down there
just like last night too.

1. last night was amazing. i hung out with logan, who i have loved for basically 7 years, who is also my ex best friend and ex lover, for the first time in 3 years and it wasn't awkward at all. then i finally came home when my mom called and made me leave at one, and got online just to spend the next 2 hours talking to my love interest noah. it was amazing.

2. today i rode my bike for the first time in 3 years and found it totally enthralling. is that the right word? it was awesome. i only did for a total of like 25 minutes but it was up and down the hill of my street which is really steep. gotta fix these thighs.

3. as i rode my bike, i saw my neighbor for the first time since they moved in. let me just say... this kid should never be allowed to keep his shirt on. i love push mowers. haha.

4. weighed in at 142.0 this morning, same as yesterday morning... probably better now on my 31st hour of fast. <3

The Important Stuff
Age:	isabella
Weight:	142 (last i checked)
Heighest Weight:	176
Lowest Weight:	142
Current Weight:	...142
Goal Weight :	115? 110? 100?
Fave food :	crab rangoon and orange chicken (<3 chinese)
Fave Drink :	strawberry milk :(
Fave Exercise :	bicycle
Thinspo :	kiera knightly, punk girls around my town
Where do you slip up?	cookie dough on girls' nights
When did it start?	image issues- age 14; ED- age 16
Why did it start?	i was bigger than my ex's new girlfriend (originally, but it developed into an ED because of my own emotional issues)
Does Anyone know?	my best friend ethan and my love interest
Do you want help?	no, as i tell noah every day.
Diet pills?	yes, Hoodia
fave binge food:	chinese anything (not beef though--i'm a red meat veg)
Fave dieting food:	light n fit vanilla yogurt w/ strawberries
How many cals do you consume a day?	usually 0, but never more than 500
What tips do you use to lose weight?	fasting is faster and easier
What do you see when you look in the mirror?	a fatass with the potential of becoming a punk queen
Are you in a relationship?	no
If so, Do they pressure you to be thin?	no
Are you the fat or thin one out of your friends?	the one exactly in between
Are you depressed?	about every other day
Do you self harm?	is this not self harm? but no i have not cut myself in over 4 months
Ever tried to commit suicide?	no
Ever been to a psychologist??	no
Fave song?	Golden; FOB
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

well, as of 1 pm, cw= 143.5.

i'm not eating, but i have no plan as to how long that will be. i have no problem not eating, it doesn't bother me, so it all depends on who is in the house and what friends i hang out with.

today was really, really good.

last night sucked because of the 905 meal which just about killed me when i added it up. it really didn't seem that big to me then. but I am taking comfort in the fact that I have only eaten 905 calories since wednesday, even if it was all in one sitting.

the only thing i consumed today was water. zero cals.

also, i got my first tattoo. i would post pics, but i'm lazy and i already posted pics in both my main communities, so if you really care, go find them.

weighing myself tomorrow. this morning i was back up to 144.5 bc of dinner last night, but i'm sure it's gone now. i would weigh myself but my mom doesn't like me weighing myself every day and the scale is in her bedroom.

last night i got about 3 comments about how much weight i have lost from family friends who come over sometimes. it felt nice, but i just smiled and nodded. i haven't lost enough. that's all i could think. it's never enough.

good news: i think i'm into size 9's again (soon to be 7's) meaning i have reached a long-term goal of mine from last year--to be able to shop at 5-7-9. haha. well, basically to get in the single digits.

<3

FOR: anaskies
kiera is <3 

Well folks, let's see who can hate themselves most and say the most emo thing! oh, you win, you absolutely abhor your sickening eating habits -- ALMOST enough to give them up! you must be better than me.

GODDAMN

ate 905 in one meal last night O.O fasting again today and not weighing myself until tonight.

right now though...

thinspo for adya_muthrir and of course for me, too... but on request from adya_muthrir.